So another year draws to a close today and I remember sitting here this time last year, looking back at all the bad things that happened and vowing that this year was going to be different. Look where that got me. It almost seems like I was living it all again, in some ways, I still met a guy, allowed myself to get closer to him than anything ever before, get engaged, make future plans, and then have it all come crashing down at Christmas. This holiday season was probably the worst ever. I had surgery, then my fiance left me, leaving an enormous heartache and an ever bigger debt of his to clear up. I was also in the hospital 4 or 5 times within a week. I’m doing a little better now than I was a week ago – there’s a strange sotr of healing in seeing the person that was everything to you acting so awfully; lessens the sorrow (although it will forever be there) in a way and gives way to more of an ‘at least it happened sooner rather than later’ feeling.
I have been living at my dads since it happened and he has been absolutely wonderful. I move back in to my place tomorrow, just before work statrs. I’m a little scared of coming home from work every day to an empty apartment now. It’s a big deal to go from having everything planned out with someone to just… emptiness. And yes I’m a little afraid. But I know that things CAN only get better, and I’ve vowed to make a few resolutions to make the same mistakes this year, and make sure by this time next year I will not be sitting miserable and heartbroken again.
1. Stay away from boys.
At least until I get to England. And if one does come by, which is very difficult to believe, be cautionary and don’t give 100% of my heart, soul and belongings to him until the honeymoon period is over.
2. Move back to England.
So much crap has happened to me in the last few years in this city and it’s hard to live in it without a constant reminder of all the good things that went to nothing, and all the people scattered about who have awful things to say about me. A scant handful of people have been absolutely phenomenally wonderful throughout, and I am so lucky to have them, but for the majority, a lot of people don’t give a toss and are more concerned with gossiping, judging and spreading fabrications than to with actually caring. I don’t mean that to sound offensive. The few of you who know who you are have been the best thing to me, and I wouldn’t have been able to get through a lot without you being there and for that I am truly thankful. But my heart lies in the UK, my lifelong friends are there and I want to get out of this city.
3. Go back to school.
I took time off with every intention of going back in 2005, and haven’t been back since. Even though I have been left with an enormous financial burden to carry, I am going to make it work. I have a few weeks to get together my transcripts from the U of W in order to apply to the University of Hertfordshire, where I’m going to do graphic design and illustration. Being in school again and diong something I love will actually make me feel great, and I can’t wait.
4. See friends more.
I admit I spent far too much time with one person and not enuogh time with my friends this year. And for that I am really sorry. But this year is going to be different and is already starting to change. Recently I’ve been seeing old friends and it’s been absolutely wonderful and I’ll do everything I can to make this resolution stick, because I love my friends, and I want to make up for last year.
5. Learn how to put contacts in.
So I don’t have to keep losing my glasses.
6. Start getting fit and eating properly.
Even if it’s doing it the Hip Hop Abs way.
7. Keep a journal.
I did this for a year straight one year and managed to fill about three of them. I’d really like to do the same thing this year. I want to grow as a person this year – I realise I’ve been ‘settling for comfortable’, in the words of the ever-wise O.C. – and I am a little scared, but I want to know who I am by myself, not who I am when I have somebody else.
This is getting a bit deep and corny, so I’m going to move on with a bit of a lighter wrap-up of 2007.
My favourite things this year!
Air Traffic – Fractured Life
The Shins – Wincing the Night Away
The Pigeon Detectives – Wait for Me
Kaiser Chiefs – Yours Truly, Angry Mob
The View – Hats Off to the Buskers
Beirut – The Flying Club Cup
Across the Universe
Pirates of the Caribbean 3
This season of Doctor Who
The X Factor and my favourite winning
Never Mind the Buzzcocks
And I just started the Tudors and Robin Hood, which also look great.
So there’s my wrap up of the year. Lots to think about and lots to focus on. Thank you to my wonderful friends who’ve put up with all the drama and the tears and for the laughter and good times as well. I love you so much. And I hope everyone has an absolutely fantastic time tonight, and all the best for 2008. 🙂