I’ve been struggling a bit lot for the last little while with a lot of personal issues, and while I’ve been exceptionally grateful for the people who’ve offered words of advice and encouragement, I can’t seem to shake what’s going on.
I count myself so lucky to be blessed with wonderful friends, a wonderful partner, a bright, sunny city that embraces culture, diversity and the arts, to live in a beautiful house and never have to worry about things that affect so many people in other parts of the world… these are the things I try to keep at the forefront of my mind, but I find so often they find themselves in the back seat, while my personal insecurities and anxieties take over.
I worry so much about everything it’s affecting – well, everything. I worry I’m not fun to be around, that nobody would ever want to hang out with me if I didn’t make the first move. I worry about what other people will think of me if I open my mouth and offer an opinion. I worry that they’ll see me turning red and shaking, and then I’ll get upset because I’ll convince myself they think I made a bigger fool of myself than I do. I worry the past will repeat itself and I’ll be left for something… better, more exciting. I worry about people judging me, thinking I’m incompetent, tactless, ugly, weird. Even when I’m around people I love dearly, I worry about what they really think of me. Do they secretly see me as the socially awkward, funny looking, too quiet, unexciting girl I do?
I have so many dreams… if I could get over this constant fear, I’d be able to do so much more. I love to sing, but I’ll only do it alone when all the windows are shut tight. I love to dance… and I’ll throw myself into it, when I’m sure nobody’s home. I love to write and create… but I’ve stopped trying, for fear it’s all rubbish anyway. I’d love to write a play but the fear of it being judged horribly scares me away. I love to share, to educate others on the issues of the world… but I’ll make my contribution in the form of a monthly donation, or a sponsored event where I don’t have to be in front of anybody. I love to play games and throw dinner parties… something I haven’t done in years. I gave up on my dreams of being a teacher two years into my post-secondary education when I realised I’d never be able to stand in front of anyone for a living. I’m passionate about so many things… and I just feel trapped by my own insecurities, and I don’t know how to get past it.
I saw a play last night, a good friend of mine was in it, and one of her lines said something along the lines of “I don’t get embarrassed. I just made the decision not to a long time ago.” If only it were that easy, I thought. If only I could make the decision to believe what other people tell me, believe in myself, and not be so sure everyone else in the world thinks I’m an idiot.
I spoke to someone about it all a few weeks ago, and she said it was all about finding who you are, where you fit in in the world. I’ve always kind of turned my nose up whenever people say they went off “to find themselves”, but maybe there’s something in it after all. Right now there’s the person I think I am, and the person I want to be. The stress, I guess, is caused by the discrepancy. I want to be able to be fun, exciting, talented, confident, someone who can inspire others and someone people want to be around. But maybe I’m just better off by myself? Maybe I need to realise that I do better alone, when I’m at home with my cat reading or singing or watching TV. Maybe if I didn’t feel such a need to be reassured all the time I’d actually feel more okay about myself, and not worry so much about being judged. I don’t know what the issue is, but I wish I could just go take a week and spend it somewhere remote, figure it all out, and come back ready to face the world. I think it’s my turn to find myself, and maybe when I do, things will be a whole lot better.