Month: July 2009

The fringe’ll fix it

Okay, okay, I surrender.  Fringe festival: 1; silly, negative, worrisome, time-and-energy-wasting thoughts: 0.  Before I took this week off I was in a pretty low place, but I’ve seen ten plays in the last seven days that have all somehow led me back toward, and onto the path upon which I want to stay. 

I began it with two very different shows; one put on by a group of friends of mine who I look forward to seeing so much every year, which had me  laughing out loud.  Another, a performance poet, a veritable connoisseur of the English language, left me thoroughly entertained for the sixty minutes in his presence, and thoroughly reflective in the subsequent couple of hours.  

 In the week, I saw what I can only describe as my favourite performance in my five year Fringing history.  Moving Along was remarkable; hilarious, sad, inspiring, disturbing, though-provoking and encouraging.  A man who never moved from an electric chair  controlled a series of spotlights surrounding him, accentuating and punctuating his tales.  The message was clear: life can take an incredible number of twists and turns, but we all only have a finite amount of time here on this earth, and so often it’s taken for granted.  Incredible show, and I was left feeling totally renewed, uplifted, and ready to take on the world. 

I saw a love story in which one character told the story of her relationship from the breakup backwards; the other told the story of his from the moment they met, forwards.  They met in the middle and I had more than a tear, while I heard someone behind me sobbing her heart out.  I spent some quality time with my parents enjoying a laugh-a-minute tale of one man’s career as a psych nurse in the mental institutions of Great Britain, walking out humming the impromptu musical number, “it could be worse, it could be worse, it’s not time for the hearse” feeling positively happy to have spent a week enjoying such talent, and having people I love to share it all with.

Somehow, almost every show I’ve seen has invigorated me, made me think about what’s really important.  I realised I do only have a set amount of time, a set amount of energy, and why would I want to waste that beating myself up and missing out on life?  I’m off now to see a show that’s selling out and even has Kleenex stations set up, followed by another weekend of friends, positive energy and creativity. 

I’ve wasted so much time recently… and this week’s been a complete wake-up call.  I feel like I’ve done a complete 180, and I can’t wait to get back into how things were really meant to be. 🙂

Find yourself

I’ve been struggling a bit lot for the last little while with a lot of personal issues, and while I’ve been exceptionally grateful for the people who’ve offered words of advice and encouragement, I can’t seem to shake what’s going on. 

I count myself so lucky to be blessed with wonderful friends, a wonderful partner, a bright, sunny city that embraces culture, diversity and the arts, to live in a beautiful house and never have to worry about things that affect so many people in other parts of the world… these are the things I try to keep at the forefront of my mind, but I find so often they find themselves in the back seat, while my personal insecurities and anxieties take over. 

I worry so much about everything it’s affecting – well, everything.  I worry I’m not fun to be around, that nobody would ever want to hang out with me if I didn’t make the first move.  I worry about what other people will think of me if I open my mouth and offer an opinion.  I worry that they’ll see me turning red and shaking, and then I’ll get upset because I’ll convince myself they think I made a bigger fool of myself than I do.  I worry the past will repeat itself and I’ll be left for something… better, more exciting.  I worry about people judging me, thinking I’m incompetent, tactless, ugly, weird.  Even when I’m around people I love dearly, I worry about what they really think of me.  Do they secretly see me as the socially awkward, funny looking, too quiet, unexciting girl I do? 

I have so many dreams… if I could get over this constant fear, I’d be able to do so much more.  I love to sing, but I’ll only do it alone when all the windows are shut tight.  I love to dance… and I’ll throw myself into it, when I’m sure nobody’s home.  I love to write and create… but I’ve stopped trying, for fear it’s all rubbish anyway.  I’d love to write a play but the fear of it being judged horribly scares me away.  I love to share, to educate others on the issues of the world… but I’ll make my contribution in the form of a monthly donation, or a sponsored event where I don’t have to be in front of anybody.  I love to play games and throw dinner parties… something I haven’t done in years.  I gave up on my dreams of being a teacher two years into my post-secondary education when I realised I’d never be able to stand in front of anyone for a living.  I’m passionate about so many things… and I just feel trapped by my own insecurities, and I don’t know how to get past it.

I saw a play last night, a good friend of mine was in it, and one of her lines said something along the lines of “I don’t get embarrassed.  I just made the decision not to a long time ago.”  If only it were that easy, I thought.  If only I could make the decision to believe what other people tell me, believe in myself, and not be so sure everyone else in the world thinks I’m an idiot. 

I spoke to someone about it all a few weeks ago, and she said it was all about finding who you are, where you fit in in the world.  I’ve always kind of turned my nose up whenever people say they went off “to find themselves”, but maybe there’s something in it after all.  Right now there’s the person I think I am, and the person I want to be.  The stress, I guess, is caused by the discrepancy.  I want to be able to be fun, exciting, talented, confident, someone who can inspire others and someone people want to be around.  But maybe I’m just better off by myself? Maybe I need to realise that I do better alone, when I’m at home with my cat reading or singing or watching TV.  Maybe if I didn’t feel such a need to be reassured all the time I’d actually feel more okay about myself, and not worry so much about being judged.  I don’t know what the issue is, but I wish I could just go take a week and spend it somewhere remote, figure it all out, and come back ready to face the world.  I think it’s my turn to find myself, and maybe when I do, things will be a whole lot better.

And so it begins

The best part of my year is peeking around the corner.  Three days ago, the Fringe came to town, and it’s here for another solid week – a week I’ve finally taken off work to enjoy more fun, creativity, life and inspiration than I could imagine.  This year there’s almost 150 different shows to choose from, and yesterday I made my schedule for the upcoming week. I’ve already seen a powerhouse performance poet rant a fervent and furious soliloquy, deifying his audience and making sure we were all aware of the new English History Syllabus (“We won, we won we won we won we won we won”).  I’ve seen some dear friends sell out the house and make me laugh so hard I cried. Still to come, I have a horror musical about robbing graves for medical science, a fairytale about a giant girl, a Shakespeare-meets-Seuss love story, and a frightening story of bringing a virtual reality junkie back to life.

The sun is finally out, the Exchange district is buzzing, and I get to spend a week with my best friend, theatre, sunshine and the ever-present countdown to all I have to look forward to this year.  My new job is going amazingly; I’m learning so much, I’m going out to seminars, I’m creating radio scripts and ads to go up throughout the city.  My officemates do yoga and watch movies at lunch time.  I’ve got a series of wonderful concerts to look forward to in the fall; Keane, Sonata Arctica, Dragonforce, Franz Ferdinand and Flogging Molly all in the span of two months.  I jump around and start clapping at the very thought.  And, after the year wraps up with friends and holiday cheer and a week to enjoy the festivities, I get to go to a 4 star, all inclusive resort in the Caribbean.

I’ve got a sneaky feeling this might just be the best six months I’ve ever had.