The Abominable Snowsuit

As you probably all know, I don’t drive. It’s not like I never tried; in high school I made full use of being in Grade 12, and enrolled in the Driver’s Ed program. This was a disaster, although I had a series of “eventful” lessons with a lovely instructor and a good friend of mine. Still, a few weeks of mid-January night time lessons later, I was sufficiently frightened for life, and to this day have remained faithfully bus-bound.

This year however, I moved to Taylor Avenue. This street has one bus going down it, maybe once an hour, and it doesn’t go anywhere close to my work. So I’ve been walking. It’s good exercise and it’s free, and until this week I thought I was going to be alright, firm in a hopeful belief that winter wasn’t really all that bad… as long as I had my Big Headphones and Big Mitts, right? Sadly though, this week I was forced to accept that my wishful thinking really was a wasted effort, and admit defeat. Winter: 1, Emily: 0. I’ve been arriving at work with legs glowing scarlet and skin frozen to the touch, and even with my trusty mitts and headphones, still not the happiest of bunnies. So I made the decision to get a snowsuit.

I had one a few years ago. It was black, and consisted of a pair of padded trousers with a high waist and straps that went over your shoulders. You could wear it under a winter jacket and be absolutely toasty on the longest of walks and the coldest of nights, and it could pass as a regular pair of black trousers so you didn’t draw too much attention to yourself. Unfortunately I’ve put on a bit of weight since then, and it definitely doesn’t fit any more. And the legs were always too short anyway. I’ve spent the last few days looking around online, only to find either rubbishy “wind protector pants” with no padding or anything, or exactly what I am looking for… for $300. It came up in conversation with my boss, and she said she had a spare snowsuit she could give me for the winter. Huzzah! So, today she brought it in.

horror

It’s neon green. It has emo stripes on half the sleeves. It’s got a weird pattern across the top, and sweaty yellow stains around the neck. And she wants me to try it on so I can wear it home tonight.
Maybe she thought my walk home involved heading down Pembina and then taking a sharp right into 1984 where this thing may have almost been acceptable. Did I mention the neon green? This thing is fluorescent. Heck, if I did drive, I wouldn’t need head headlights, ‘cause I’m pretty sure this thing would glow on its own for a decent 10 feet. And it smells funny!

horror

So I have precisely four and a half hours to come up with an excuse not to have to come into physical contact with this abomination (or explain its sudden mysterious disappearance). And I’m begging you guys for help.

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8 comments

  1. Well, as long as she doesn’t ask you to try it on in front of her, just take it into the bathroom or something and then tell her it doesn’t fit. Or tell her that you ‘just’ received a text from one of your friends and they’ve ordered you one for an early Chrimbo present. It could work! Anything’s possible Emily!
    But if it was me, I’d rock the neon green 1982 abominable snowsuit until the cows came home all winter.

  2. LOL Nooooo!!

    That thing is EPIC!

    Here is what I recommend:
    – Take the bus in the winter!! The 66 hits right on Grant and you can warm up by walking through the mall, that’s how I did it = )
    – Come to Value Village with me tomorrow afternoon and buy cheap snowpants!
    – Buy Gators from MEC instead of snowpants. They’re shin high and cost $15. With a longer coat they catch all the wind.
    – For $90 you can buy good cheap snow pants from sportmart.

  3. First of all I must say yes, yes and yes!!

    LOL I love taking sharp right turns into 1984. Ask your boss if she has one that is bright pink and I will definitely come out strutting with you!

    Also, I think you should have no problem hitchhiking with this thing on if need be!

  4. LOL thanks for stopping back and reading! 😀

    What ended up happening was that, through an absolute MIRACLE, my (almost) sister in law had an extra BLACK pair of snowpants, which D brought when he picked me up from work that afternoon. I said something to the effect of “fancy that!” to my boss, thanked her for her thoughtfulness… and used the black ones for the rest of the winter 😀

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