reflections

Protected: On change, resistance, and in response to those shocked by my pregnancy announcement. (I’d grab a cuppa – message me for password)

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This I Know

I was talking to a good friend recently, and we were discussing our reasons for blogging and how they’ve evolved and changed. When I first started writing online, my posts were terribly boring and even more terribly written. I must have been about seventeen years old, and in high school, LiveJournal was the coolest thing in the world. It didn’t matter that your entries were as fun and exciting as getting a dart in the eye and finding a phone bill attached to the end, all the cool kids were doing it* and subsequently, I wrote about everything and anything. Fastforward a bit, and a couple of years ago I decided to start blogging “properly”. I started having Ideas and wanted to Share Them With The World (a dangerous combination), and discovered that the way to get them out there was to learn the valuable skill of networking.

Primarily, at the time, I wanted to write about my journey toward getting over anxiety – I had this desperate desire to reach anyone who’d ever felt similarly, and band together in some sort of invisible army, penning my fears, hopes, dreams, defeats and tiny victories and hoping that somewhere I might reach someone, and maybe, if I was lucky, inspire them to break free too. It was probably one of the best things I ever did, but as blogging made the transition from occasional visitor to permanent resident in my life, my reasons for writing began to change. It became a platform upon which to share my opinions, my thoughts and ideas; to stand up for myself, for my beliefs, and for others; to explore new ideas and gain new insights, to share my biggest struggles and learn new ways of living and dealing with things, and to chronicle all the thoughts, goals, feelings and everyday goings-on that are my life right now. As of late, my blog has become a sort of window into my head – I may not be the most vocal of people in real life, but I feel if someone lands themselves in my little corner of the internet, they’ll get to know the real me. Words I may not pipe into everyday conversation I can feel free to pour onto the page (no wonder most of us here are introverts), and these entries serve as a continual reflection of who I really am. So in that spirit, today I’m taking a leaf out of a fellow blogger’s book, and using a wonderfully honest post of hers as inspiration. It’s about Things I Know.

I know that I’m probably the most emotional person you’ll ever meet, and will invest every fibre of my heart into friendships and relationships. I know this puts me at the highest possible risk for getting crushed, but I also know that if I don’t, I’ll feel like I’m living half a life.  I know I’ve made mistakes in the past, but I also know I’ve done a lot of reflection, and I know that harping on about and reacting negatively to things that have already happened isn’t going to change them. I know I’m a work in progress – I know I need to break habits like overanalysing things, assuming the worst, and worrying about things beyond my control. I know that with enough practice and determination, I’ll get there. I know that every opportunity must be seized.

I know that I will always be an INFJ, Doctor Who will always be the greatest show in the world, and that green will always be my favourite colour. I know that curry in England is better than curry anywhere else in the world (rumour has it, including India), I know that I could happily live on coffee, bacon and lemon meringue pie forever, I know that the world would be slightly better without cherry-flavoured things, and I know that anything is better covered in salt. I know that without fail, a heartfelt hug, eating avocado with a spoon, inescapable laughter or a dog’s head sticking out of a moving car window will make anything better. I know that good things come to those who wait, but I also know that life is too short, and that we all have the power to turn it all around the very moment we decide to, and sometimes, the only time is now.

I know this planet is full of incredible beauty as well as incredible horror, and that I just happened to land on it. I know if I had three wishes, I would want to save the world, take away all the pain of those I love, and wish for more wishes, and only then would I be a little more selfish with them. 🙂 I know I want to travel, walk down streets thousands of years old, see impossible sights, soak up every soaring sunset and really look at, study, and fall in love with the canopy of stars that blankets our little world, knowing I’m seeing something billions and billions of years old. I know that the galaxy is big enough and wonderful enough to call God, and I know that now, I will never believe something that doesn’t make one hundred percent sense to me personally. I know I will always seek, question, and do my best to locate and figure out the truth.

I know that pain and sadness are inevitable, that loved ones could be stolen away at any moment, and that our time on this Earth is finite and ever diminishing. But I know that for the rest of my life, I am determined to make the most of every single moment, choose love over hate, future over past, present over future, and love as hard as I possibly can. I know how lucky I am to have people to love, and be loved in return. I know we are never given more than we can handle. As much as I like to think otherwise, I know that honesty may not always be the best policy, and that sometimes kindness is a higher priority.  I know that understanding is infinitely more difficult sometimes than proving yourself right, but I know one hundred percent that it’s always more important.

I know that dreams might not always be attainable, but I also know that just having them gives the opportunity for great adventures and great stories. I know I’m not perfect, but I’m finally at a place where I know my worth. I know that soulmates aren’t a quantifiable science, but I know with all my heart that whatever your definition, that they exist. I know that I’m too hard on myself and that nobody sees all the flaws I do, and I know that life’s too short to worry about things that we all lose in the end. I know one should never give up hope. I know that laughter and brilliant moments should be cherished forever.  I know that pyjamas are better as weekend clothes than they are to wear in actual bed, and I know that sometimes, style really is more important than comfort.  🙂

I know that my thirst for learning and passion and adventure will never be quenched, and I know how lucky I am to be able to go wherever I want, or to find whatever information I want at the click of a button. I know that this world would be better with more love and more education, and a focus more on unity than on difference. I know that I will always be infatuated with the English language, with literature, and I know that great minds will live forever through their words, which I collect and stash away like the finest of treasure. I know that being able to speak and tell stories and be heard is a gift that shouldn’t be taken for granted. I know that what’s popular isn’t a reflection of the best the human race has to offer, but that the human race offers wonderful things if you know where to look. I know I will never watch American soap operas and I know I will be a BBC girl until I die. I know that sometimes nothing can make you feel more alive than jumping around passionately with someone hand in hand to  brilliant live music. I know that life is better with a cat in it.

I know that I’m pro-choice, pro-freedom of speech, pro-equality, pro-gay marriage, and pro-doing what’s right. I know I should exercise more and eat more greens, make more time for sleep, drink more water and less port wine, but I also know that we only have one life. I know that few things bring me more joy and sense of accomplishment than writing a great piece of fiction, but I know that writing is a battle between you and a blank page, and that, as a favourite author once said, most often the blank page wins. I know that a home is better filled with ever-playing music and ever-shining fairy lights. I know that home is where the heart is, and that sometimes that can be in people more than places.

I know I don’t really fit into a social niche, but I know that by attaching labels, we cage ourselves in from everything that ever could be otherwise. I know that talk is inevitable, but in whatever form it comes, it means you’re not being boring. I know that the person I am today is an entirely different person than who I was five years ago, and I know that the person I will be in another five will probably be just as much a stranger, but I know that moving forward in life is a must, and that I will never stand in one place. Even if I don’t know where I’m going. I know I’m but a small speck on the surface of a planet that’s just as insignificant a part of the universe, but I know that even though all things pass, we can all have a giant impact in our time, and on those that surround us, as they can on us. I know that life’s a mystery, that it’s too vast and incredible and mysterious sometimes to take too seriously, and that I’m lucky just to have the adventure. And I know with absolute certainty that brevity will never be my forte. 🙂

How about you? What do you know at this moment in time?

*Definition of “cool” subject to interpretation; mine personally being people who occupied the physics room with me at lunchtime, examining the lyrics of the latest Decemberists tracks and drawing Star Trek comics on the whiteboard

Goodbye 2006

That was probably one of the most… memorable Christmases I’ve ever had. The year is almost done and I can’t believe how much has happened. These Faithless lyrics kind of sum up the past year, in a way:

So much more than I thought this world could ever hold
So much more than I thought this world could ever hold

We think we’re heroes, we think we’re kings
We plan all kinds of fabulous things
Oh look how great we have become

Key in the door, the moment I’ve been longing for
Before my bag hits the floor
My adorable children rush up screaming for a kiss,
and a story, they’re a gift to this world
My only claim to glory
I surely never knew sweeter days
Blows my mind like munitions
I’m amazed

So much heaven, so much hell
So much love, so much pain
So much more than I thought this world could ever contain
So much war, so much soul
One man’s loss, another man’s goal
So much more than I thought this world can ever hold
We’re just children, we’re just dust
We are small and we are lost
And we’re nothing, nothing at all

One bomb, the whole block gone
Can’t find me children and dust covers the sun
Everywhere is noise, panic and confusion
But to some, another fun day in Babylon
I’m gonna bury my wife and dig up my gun
My life is done, so now I’ve got to kill someone

So much heaven, so much hell
So much love, so much pain
So much more than I thought this world could ever contain
So much war, so much soul
One man’s loss, another man’s goal
So much more than I thought this world could ever hold

So much more than I thought this world could ever hold
So much more than I thought this world could ever hold

So much heaven, so much hell
So much love, so much pain
So much more than I thought this world could ever contain
So much war, so much soul
One man’s loss, another man’s goal
So much more than I thought this world could ever hold

It’s a strange year to look back on. The beginning held a lot of promise, and a lot of wonderful things happened this year. I met some amazing people, I got a really good job, had some fun parties, started a course, became a lot closer with my dad, got my kittens who I absolutely love… got a David Tennant postcard!! A lot of really good things happened this year, and a lot of crap too. I learned a lot about myself, about relationships, about trust… I’ve always believed that love will overcome anything, call me naive if you will but I’m a hopeless romantic at heart.

Love is such a strange thing – scary, at the thought of the pain it can cause, and wonderful, at the pure joy as well. I did come close to losing faith in it throughout this year, but despite all the crap it can bring; when I do continue to love, I’ll keep doing so like I can’t get hurt. If you don’t open yourself up and take the risk for fear of being hurt, and it can be an incredible pain… you just miss out on some of the most amazingly wonderful feelings and experiences. I think what I’m saying is that I have no regrets. Joel and I are no longer together, but I’ve had some very good and some very bad experiences with him, and he’s taught me a lot about myself. I think this year I’ve become a more forgiving and tolerant person than I ever have in my life… I’ve grown a lot. And for all that was, I am thankful, and I’m glad it didn’t end ugly and that we’ll still be in touch, and still stay friends.

For friends… this has been a wonderful year. I know it sounds lame but I really do want to, broadcast, for lack of a better word, just how very grateful I am for all of you and everything you’ve done this year. I’ve seen such caring and concern, such selflessness, such honesty from my friends this year and I truly am a very lucky girl. Some of you I’ve only known a year or so, some longer, but I am so incredibly thankful you are in my life. For everything you’ve done for me, just know I would do the same for you in a second.

For family… this year has been a little tumultuous, mostly very good, sad towards the end, but again I couldn’t have got through a lot of things this year had it not been for my parents. As I get older I’m realising all the time that was wasted while I was growing up and living at home, I was such a stubborn, argumentative, defiant child, and now my relationship with my family continues to change into something so different… I’ve become so close with my dad in the last few months, and both my mum and dad have helped me through some of the hardest times this year… and for that I am so thankful.

For everything else… so much amazing music – music means SO much to me, and has helped me a lot also. This year has been a fantastic one for some really great stuff. To have had access to the technology to download all sorts of wonderful TV shows not yet in this country, albums, to listen to BBC radio whenever I want. To have somewhere warm to come home to at the end of the day. There’s a lot of other things I’m grateful for as this year rapidly draws to a close, and I wanted to mark the most important ones down as we bring in 2007. A new year, a new start… and no regrets.

And just one more…

It’s not how you start, it’s how you finish,
And it’s not where you’re from, it’s where you’re at

Everybody gets knocked down,
Everybody gets knocked down,
How quick are you gonna’ get up?
How quick are you gonna’ get up?
Everybody gets knocked down,
Everybody gets knocked down,
How quick are you gonna’ get up?
Just how are you gonna’ get up?

Like Ali in the jungle,
Like Nelson in jail,
Like Simpson on the mountain,
With odds like that, they were bound to fail
Like Keller in the darkness,
Like Adam’s in the dock,
Like Ludwig Van, how I loved that man, well the guy went deaf and didn’t give a fuck, no…

No, no, no

It’s not where you are, iIt’s where you’re going,
Where are you going?
And it’s not about the things you’ve done, it’s what you’re doing now,
What are you doing, now?

Everybody gets knocked down,
Everybody gets knocked down,
How quick are you gonna’ get up?
How quick are you gonna’ get up, now?
Everybody gets knocked down,
Everybody gets knocked down,
How quick are you gonna’ get up?
Just how are you gonna’ get up?

Like Ali in the jungle,
Like Nelson in jail,
Like Simpson on the mountain,
Well with odds like that, they were bound to fail
Like Keller in the darkness,
Like Adam’s in the dock,
Like Ludwig Van, how I loved that man, well the guy went deaf and didn’t give a fuck, no…