Remember last year, when I realised I’d lost all my sick days at work rather quickly, and that when I get ill, I get hardcore ill, and started fretting I was going to get fired? My hypothesis was that because I was theoretically underweight (and my BMI was low), my immune system was pretty much a giant wuss. Fast-forward to now. Sweet and I have been on a major health overhaul for the last few weeks – we’ve both been exercising more, and have switched our eating habits to eating five or six little meals and snacks throughout the day instead of three heftier ones. I’ve heard for years this is way better health-wise. Now I just have to clear the piles of greeting cards off the treadmill and start working jogging back into my routine (it was brought to my attention recently that my wedding was three months ago, and my physical activity had plummeted to basically zero since saying “I do”), and I’ll be set!
Last week, though, I noticed an unexpected side-effect of the new diet: I’d put on six pounds. Before the wedding, people were eternally telling me to eat something, asking if I was deliberately losing weight, and pretty much hinting I was borderline anorexic (NOT true in the slightest). Yet crazily, it was something I was proud of. I was proud to be skinny because though I have huge body-image issues (don’t we all?), unlike the shape of my nose this was something over which I had some control. I never snacked, I drank nothing but water, I refused to order puddings, and I’d never eat anything past seven PM. Enter the new diet, where I’m suddenly taking granola bars, fruit snacks, crackers, cheese and yoghurt along with my lunch to work, snacking every few hours and thinking I need to invest in some sort of lunch briefcase – and I wonder why I’m surprised to have put on weight. My first reaction was one of despair: all of a sudden my skinny jeans were feeling uncomfortable, the scale slapped me in the face, and my first instinct was to wail like a giant baby. Sweet immediately reassured me, but I couldn’t shake the feeling of discontent – I wanted to get healthy, but I didn’t want to put on weight. Catch 22. Deep down, I know that when my BMI is 18.3 and all sources point to that being unhealthy, that gaining weight healthily is a good thing – but I can’t seem to feel comfortable doing it. D
oes that mean I value physical appearance over physical wellbeing? Does that mean I’m a terribly shallow human being? I hope not, but I feel incredibly uncomfortable not being comfortable that maybe I’m actually reaching my “healthy weight”, and I don’t know how to change my thought patterns.
Last year when I was thinking about this sort of thing, I felt like a giant hypocrite putting any energy at all into thinking such negative things. I wrote: I’m 104 lbs right now and I still feel like a whale after I eat a big meal. But I don’t skip meals or throw up or anything. I’m just naturally small framed and consequently the slightest bulge stands out a mile. To me – and so, in my head, to everyone else as well. I just want to be able to overcome it – all of it, not to be seen as attractive by other people, but to feel confident in myself so I’m not held back so much, so I don’t shy away from people so much, scared of what they might be thinking. I want to be able to be comfortable and confident. I want to be able to contribute to the world and this seems to be the one destination to which I can’t see a clear path. Six months later, I still feel like a hypocrite, advocating for stepping outside your comfort zone and challenging yourself to grow, to be a better person, to make a difference in the world when I’m guilty of spending my time thinking about something so shallow.
But maybe I just needed to read this post from the wise and beautiful Hannah Katy, which landed at the top of my Reader just seconds ago as I was about to wrap this post up. The Universe does work in interesting ways. Maybe I need to take a leaf from her book, and decide that if I, too, “had two extra hours to my every day, I would surely dedicate the 120 minutes to tracking down a scholar who could point out to me just where women started missing parts and cutting themselves off at the knees. Where it began… Where he believes it might end… Where we learned verbs like “comparing,” “despising,” and “sizing.” And started using our adjectives to belittle our bodies and devalue our worth.”
Maybe I just need to listen to this incredible girl who I’ve not had the good fortune of meeting face-to-face, but who never fails to pull me back to what’s really important in life. Who never ceases to help me by sweeping my negative thoughts out onto the street and replacing them with the ones that deserve to be in the spotlight. I really do value health and wellbeing, and I really do make an effort to eat and live well. I know that to live where I do, surrounded by the people I am, to have a home and a job and a working body I am incredibly, incredibly lucky. But how do you become comfortable with being a bit bigger healthier in a world that’s encouraged you to feel blessed to be skinny your whole life? I’ve scoured the Internet for “healthy BMI” sites, and they are full of tips on losing weight – but it’s hard to find any information at all on gaining weight in order to be healthy – and feeling okay doing it. I realise reading this back, how frightfully superficial this all sounds (and that this is probably anonymous troll-bait territory), but I’ve always told you I’ll write honestly, and I can’t pretend it’s not something I’m thinking about right now. I hope you’ll forgive me, and that soon, my thoughts can be more in line with what they should be.
Prose and Constellations 
Ooooooh. I’ve always been skinny and never had trouble with putting on weight (by which I mean, I find it very difficult to do so). So in our world, girls were always complaining about being fat, going on diets, and giving me the evil eye. I could never, ever relate to their weight issues. But I am lucky to have the genes and metabolism I do, because by gosh do I love to eat, and most of it unhealthy.
But I can completely understand how you feel. I am proud of being thin (but not unhealthily so) and if I found myself suddenly gaining weight and having to buy a whole new wardrobe, I WOULD FREAK.
It sounds so awful saying I feel panicked at the thought of buying size S instead of XS, but when it’s almost something that defines you it’s hard to give way to something else, even if that something else is actually better for you in the long run :S
I used to be a stick insect until I was about 22 years old. I know from experience what it feels like to gain weight (and in my case I went from a low BMI to a too high one, so yes, I do have some experience in gaining weight). It really is one of the more difficult things in life, even if you know it’s good for you (I certainly knew it was good for me at first, but still I hated discovering that I was gaining weight). Right now, I’m on the opposite end of the scale: I’m trying to slim back to a healthy BMI. It’s something I’ve been meaning to do for years, but that was suddenly made more important because I felt I didn’t like myself so much anymore because of my weight. I totally understand how you must feel, having been on both sides of the scale (pun partially intended), and I appreciate your honesty about this. It’s hard to say it perhaps, and sure, a lot of people might not understand why you’d be concerned to be thin and gaining, but at the end of the day, we all want to look good and be healthy and sometimes our mental image of one clashes with the other.
That’s the problem – the two seem to be mutually exclusive 😦 I just need to work on finding some way to see being healthier as more of a positive than being skinny. It’s a tough one when the force society has is such a strong one…
as you know, i’m (and have been) struggling with being overweight my entire life. while i was just a bit bigger than the average teen (and the stars in the magazines) when i was a teenager, i have always felt fat. now at 34 i actually am fat and have an eating disorder.
during my clinic stay this past summer i learned a lot about eating habits, diets and all that stuff. basically, if you restrict yourself from enjoying certain foods, think about food a lot (and not just when your body tells you you’re hungry) you are borderline to an eating disorder ot you already have one. basically, if you eat (healthy and balanced) when you’re hungry, drink enough and exercise on a daily basis (and even walking to the store, riding your bike to work, going for a walk counts) you’re good to go and in for a healthy life and a healthy relationship with food.
i think you need to listen to your body and how it feels like. set aside the how (you think) it looks like. do you feel like you have more strength, energy…. ? then what you’re doing is a good thing. you will get used to the new look and feel. embrace it, tell yourself all the time that you look better a bit fuller and at some point you will feel it. xoxo
You’re right – I do feel like I have more energy. And I haven’t been sick in a while. Which means it’s probably a good thing on the inside. I just need to learn how to be okay with that on the outside too. Thanks so much for sharing, and for the perspective 🙂
beautiful post miss Emily Jane. Hannah and I often talk about playing tag with our posts, and I think you guys played a perfect game of tag here. I too have dealt with people telling me i was getting too thin–that I needed to eat something–that were worried I was anorexic. it’s not a good feeling–it’s actually an awful feeling to hear people murming behind your back that you need to eat–even though you are eating–just very health things. So last fall (2009) I tried to do the same thing … I started snacking, eating more, and trying to be healthy, but still got upset to get on the scale to see that I had gained weight. Now nearly two years since my teachers told me they were worried about me, I have gained 11 pounds, and still cringe each time i get on the scale, but deep down inside i know it was probably what i should have done.
Even the other day i texted my friend after seeing her to say “Be honest do I look massive”
Her response was “you look amazing”
And while I know she was saying that to avoid the question, my immediate thought was “I really gotta stop worrying about what people think…Gota stop worrying about what I look like–gotta stop comparing, sizing, etc)
Yours and hannah’s posts really came at a great time this week.
Thanks
Libs
Thanks so much for your honesty and for sharing your story of coming from a similar place. Although it’s interesting to hear you say “I know she was saying that to avoid the question” – my husband always tells me when I say things like that, “do you really know that? Why not just take what they say at face value and believe they meant it”. It’s hard, but it’s a good way of living if you can learn how to do it 🙂
Really beautiful post! It seems to me you already know how to fix your issues, you just need to stop letting yourself get in the way of your progress. In my opinion, the fact that you are dieting and attempting to be healthier already speaks volumes. How many women put their health on the back burner just to look like someone on a magazine? It’s sad.
I’ve been skinny my entire life (110 lbs.) and it appears like I can’t gain weight! My BMI is on the low side also. It’s so funny that girls like us can’t find tips to gain weight and get up to a healthy BMI. I guess it’s not a big enough issue for people. Even for me though my primary reason for wanting to gain weight is not because of the health. It’s because I don’t feel comfortable with my body, and I want others to quit telling me I’m to skinny, eat more, and all that. I definitely need to switch my mentality as well.
Just know that you are beautiful. And you will STILL be beautiful once you get up to a healthy weight!
Thank you so so much ❤ "It seems to me you already know how to fix your issues, you just need to stop letting yourself get in the way of your progress". I know!! That's kind of been the theme of this whole past year for me, in terms of health and in terms of lots of other things too… thank you for the reminder that the only person who can control my actions and thoughts is me.
I have the opposite problem you do, but I definitely could still relate to this post. All women suffer moments of self-doubt, and it truly is a reflection of our society when a healthy woman freaks out over a few pounds. Here’s a thought though, do you think the weight could potentially be muscle? I know that sometimes when I exercise, I bulk up a little, but it doesn’t show because it’s muscle.
I doubt it because I haven’t worked out in three months! That’s a good motivation to start though – then at least the weight I do put on will be GOOD weight.
Lady . . . reading that last line, I don’t think you need forgiveness for your honesty, or that your thoughts aren’t as shiny or as ‘presentable’ as you think they should be. You feel the way you do, and you acknowledge this, and you know that you’d like to feel better about being healthy, with a healthy self-image to go along with that. That requires no forgiveness at all, and such honesty isn’t as superficial as you might suspect it to be. Luck, hey. I’m sure you’ll get there in the end. 🙂
Thanks love ❤
ahhh i totally get this. growing up, i got made fun up for being so skinny. by the time i got to high school, my metabolism changed without me really realizing it at first and all of a sudden people stopped making those comments {you’re soooo skinny, you need to eat more, woman!} and i felt like i wasn’t pretty anymore. i still struggle with this a lot, even thought i KNOW i’m not fat: i’m just at my healthy weight.
the thing that amazes me is that when you added me on facebook the other day, i snooped through your pictures and thought, “oh my goodness. maybe i don’t want to meet her in person. she’s so skinny and pretty and perfect.” honestly, i got scared. so to “hear” you say all this has brought me back to earth a little bit. we’re all insecure. we all see things about ourselves that i’m sure no one else sees. and if we can admit it to other people, maybe that’s when we can start to fix it?
Are you serious, I thought the exact same thing about YOU!! 🙂 I hope you’re right – I hope in admitting it publicly, it’ll be some kind of stepping stone on learning how to fix it…
I know how you feel. Seriously, every bit of that. A year ago I was extremely underweight and everyone was calling me anorexic (like you, I was not, but it still didn’t ward off any opinions). At 115, however, I was totally happier. I was a size 2 and I could sit down for once and not feel like my stomach was pouched over my jeans. With getting older, I’ve been putting on more weight lately. That 115 has turned into a 125 and I am in this constant battle with myself because my skinny jeans, too, are a bit snug and uncomfortable. That size 2 has become a size 4 (I know, most of you would think, “Oh, wahh.. get over it!”). But in my eyes, it’s a huge deal! Now, I’ve been trying to work out and eat healthy, but temptations are horrible and the working out hasn’t seemed to do anything at all but make me super sore. But I am also the world’s most impatient person.
Me too 🙂 I used to be 100, then 105, now I am closer to 110 and I just see it as a slow path to becoming a size and shape I really don’t want to be. It’s good to hear that you actually felt more comfortable a little bigger though, and reassuring to hear someone else feel the same way about giong from a size 0 or 2 to a 4 – most people would indeed say “get over it”, but I’m sure people who were a size 10 going to a size 14 would panic too.
One of my best friends struggled with an eating disorder (not anorexia, more of a restricting/bingeing pattern) for most of her life before coming to grips with it in the past few years. She told me how hard it was to feel okay with herself when she put on some weight even though she knew it was healthy. I’m not saying you have an eating disorder, but I think that’s a very normal reaction to have because of our society. Anyway, my friend highly recommended the book Intuitive Eating so I wanted to pass that along in case it might help you too.
I’ll definitely check it out, thanks so much for the recommendation 🙂
Don’t ever apologize for how you are thinking/feeling! If anyone here says they never think about this stuff, they are lying! Lol. It doesn’t make you sound superficial or hypocritical at all; it makes you sound honest. I think it’s great that you are eating healthfully and trying to change your lifestyle! For one, I hope you know that no one will ever look at you and be like “Omg, she’s so fat!” Haha. BUT I do know what you mean about wanting to change your OWN perspective. I know this is not an easy thing to do. I think that our culture puts so much emphasis on physical appearance that we kind of grow up learning to think this way, and then later on in life we are left to unravel and untangle those negative thoughts. One suggestions I could make: toss out the scale! Hehe. I haven’t owned a scale in years and I just go by how I feel. I’ve noticed that when I exercise, I FEEL skinnier and sexy whether I actually am or not. I FEEL healthy when I’m eating nutricious snacks and meals. Without a scale, I have nothing to go by other than how I feel in my body. And I’ve learned to be kind to myself. On days when I can’t exercise and am just too exhausted, I don’t beat myself up over. But I’m not saying all of this isn’t a huge process; I have struggle with my body/appearance image for a long time it’s definitely not easy. But I think the comfort is in knowing that you aren’t alone; that everyone has these thoughts & feelings, and it’s a journey we’re all on together. ❤
Massive hugs to you right now!! I actually didn’t get the scale too long ago – and I got it so I could measure my progress and actually see what I weighed because I’d thought for years I was 115-120 and initially it was a pleasant surprise to see 103 instead! But now I am actually creeping up to what I initially thought I was, it’s more of an OMG than “oh, just as I thought.” Thank you so much for your kind words and reassurance, it really meant a lot ❤
This is such a hard thing to put out there- but I think it’s super important. There’s a huge spectrum of what I would call “disordered eating” where instead of eating when they’re hungry, people are controlling about what they eat, are hyper critical of themselves and are fearful of gaining weight. From what you describe I think that it could be helpful to think of how controlling and disciplined you were about eating before in that way, and that the way you’re eating now is amazing, positive and healthy! Your hair is going to be beautiful, your skin is going to glow, and you’re going to have more energy and be sick less. That’s awesome!
The way to work through your feelings about gaining weight are going to be slow and steady. That negative voice in your head has a head start on the positive one, but you have to find things in your appearance that you love and focus your energy on them. Actively! Tell yourself about what you like- and if you can’t think of things, ask David what he likes about you, he’ll have a laundry list. Trust those things & work on making your positive voice stronger. If you think about it in brain terms, the negative thoughts are just a pattern that’s easier to run through because you use it more. Developing positive feelings about your body takes practice, it’s like building a muscle.
Knowing you in person, you could gain 10 lbs more than this 6 lb gain and you would still be someone that people think of as tiny and perfect- because you have a tiny frame and are very beautiful! If people are telling you that they think you’re beautiful because of how skinny you are, they’re commenting on the most obvious thing in front of their eyes because it’s easy. That’s not where your beauty lies, it’s bigger than that.
You’re absolutely right – it is totally a battle of the inner voices. And the negative one does have a head start – just as it did with my anxiety the last couple of years. But if I can get the positive one to win out, like I think I’m finally doing with that one, then maybe there’s hope on the same front for body image? Thank you so much – your perspective always makes me feel better ❤
You’re beautiful — inside and out. Quite honestly, though, if there were that many friends who were concerned about your being underweight, then I would guess that there must be a speck of truth in their concern. Good for you and your sweetie for making a lifestyle change (I don’t believe in “diets”). While I completely understand your trepidation over gaining even a pound of weight, know that you’re doing the right thing and am positive you’re looking fit, healthy & fabulous!! 🙂
Aww, thank you ❤
don’t get too down on yourself for your thoughts and attitudes. we live in a society that values thinness. extreme thinness. unhealthy thinness. we do NOT value those who are overweight or even just a little bigger (such as myself). it’s very hard to change those thoughts, to swim upstream and value yourself for things OTHER your body.
it’s hard to remember all the OTHER things about yourself (your smarts, your writing, your charm and everything that brought love to you) that ACTUALLY bring value to yourself. at times like these, i think of a couple Bible verses that look a little something like this: “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” – 1 Peter 3:3-4.
even if you do not consider themselves religious or christian, these words are SO comforting and may lift a great weight off your shoulders. i know that they do for me, especially as one who isn’t even CLOSE to society’s standard of beauty.
That’s a beautiful, incredibly apt and comforting passage – thank you so much for sharing
It’s encouraging (and also ridiculous) to know that weight issues are something that all women deal with – no matter what size they are.
I don’t have much to add, just that hopefully with jogging and exercise you’ll begin to feel strong and powerful – like that woman you are inside. I know it’s hard to mesh what your brain knows and how you feel, but you seem like you’re on the right track.
I have the opposite problem but I think that whether you have trouble keeping weight off or putting it on we all have our body issues. While I don’t think that’s a good thing for us to share (I mean, come on, why can’t we all just be happy?) it is nice to know that we aren’t alone.
We have the same weight problem. You know that story, right? 🙂 My overweight coworkers even make fun of me because I’m thin. Or used to. They don’t do that anymore, thankfully.
I still think you’re pretty. And I love the honesty on your every post.
So glad they stopped. It’s funny how people can just blurt things out with no regard for how it might affect someone else – words can have an impact so huge and people so often don’t realise that. ❤
Thank you for posting this! I can totally relate … I’ve always had trouble gaining weight, but it’s not something I ever talk about because I’m afraid of offending all the people in my life who are trying so desperately to lose weight. I love your honesty!
I really adore what Kyla Roma said – I think she hit the nail on the head. Em, you are gorgeous! Make no mistake – but it’s more than just your body. You are kind, caring, thoughtful and intelligent. You have a killer smile, too! I think the fact that you’re willing to write about this says tons about your progress in this area. Keep it up, girlfriend! Your health is invaluable, and it will take time to get used to the changes your body is undergoing. Be patient and kind to yourself. XO
What a beautiful and honest post, Em.
Of course, everyone desires to be thin and beautiful… and it’s a hard thing to put behind you, when a few pounds more on the scale are freaking you out.
However, even with 6 pounds more, you’re still tiny and beautiful and you should always, always remember that you’re doing your body good by gaining a few more pounds.
I am not a big fan of the BMI, because I think that people’s bodies are very different and can’t be measured on one single scale. However, if you’re getting sick a lot, more than the average person, that is a sign that your body could be healthier and with a few more pounds it’ll be stronger and hold up longer and handle viruses better than when you’re just marginally sustaining your body.
You can do it, Em.
Thank you so much for the encouragement – and you’re right, getting ill all the time is probably a sign that I do need to do something to get stronger.
I scanned the comments for what I want to say, and I don’t think anyone else has mentioned this yet…it’s fairly normal to weigh a little more if you’re “hitting the gym” after not being there for a while…if you’re building up muscle, it weighs more than fat (and that’s good!).
You are gorgeous!
Wendy
I love this post because it shows that no matter WHAT size we are (underweight, overweight, just-right) all women have body issues. Just because you are underweight does not mean that your body issues are any less important than someone who is overweight!
I know it’s hard, but it sounds like you are eating and being healthier than ever. More than likely those 6 pounds are MUSCLE!! Let yourself fill out and pretty soon you’ll be checking out your toned muscles in the mirror not your “bulge” 🙂 🙂
Well I can see from the comments above that I’m not the only girl coming here to tell you that you’re ALLOWED to feel the way you do! Every girl has body weight issues to deal with even if she likes to say she doesn’t. We’re all part of the same society and at one point a comment here or a pound there will get to us.
That being said, I might suggest looking at websites on anorexia on how to gain weight and not feel bad about it. Even if you aren’t anorexic, those are the girls who have the most trouble with it & therefore would probably have the best advice on how to overcome weight gain issues.
Anyways, I think you’re a gorgeous girl and this was a great post. It’s nice to see some honesty in the blog world that all girls can relate to. Thanks for sharing ❤
I’d never thought of that – you’re probably right, I bet those girls would have the most trouble with it – it’s a scary world to step into though! Thanks for the idea 🙂
I remember feeling this way in highschool. I gained weight from being about 98 lbs to being 103 and felt like I’d become huge…
I totally agree with Kyla’s comment. People who compliment you on being thin is 1. the first and most obvious thing and 2. because they wish they were skinny (from my experience). But you’re gorgeous. And I can guarantee that people are just going to start complimenting on still being thin and how just pretty you are.
I read a quote somewhere that went something like ‘feeling fat is not really about how you look’ and I agree. When I feel fat its usually because I’m not taking care of myself, eating right, etc. Actually, I don’t know how that fits in with you – but I hope that when you start running more you will feel more balanced etc.
P.S. i kind of miss the anonymous commenter, he was fun to laugh at!
lol he was!
I went to my 40 year high school reunion last year and there was a big photo of all the grads back in 1965. I looked like a tiny little sticklet. And what’s funny is that I never thought of myself as thin. I remember if I gained a lb or two, I’d go crazy. Now, I weight about 15 lbs more, am 1.5″ shorter and have a better self-image. I say, stay on the diet to be healthy. Exercise to be healthy. Be healthy. Period.
I hope I can learn that mentality – just to prioritise being healthy over size. I wish the world would stop putting so much pro-thin propaganda all over the place!
I love the honesty in this post, Emily! I know how hard it is. We’re struggling with the same thing, even if I’m trying to lose weight and you’re trying to gain some. I have major body image issues and it’s so hard to love myself when I look at myself in the mirror and hate the reflection staring back.
The most important part is to be HEALTHY. If you’re gaining weight, it’s most likely weight you’ve needed to become healthy. (Just as I’m losing it to be healthier.) It sounds as if you’re doing it the right way.
This was so brave and honest of you to post, Emily. Some of what you said really resonated for me – being skinny your whole life and taking that as something worth holding onto, something you could control. I used to eat anything and everything and my metabolism would rev up and it’d be no big deal. I wrote a post back at the very beginning of February about my battle with eating disorders and said some of the same things. It’s so so tough. The world looks at us and praises us for being so skinny because everyone else wants that. But at what cost to our own minds and our own health?
I’m worried just how skewed our perception as an entire culture has become in terms of what’s skinny enough, what’s beautiful, what’s okay. In a few years, will it be even worse?
I’ve struggled with this same issue at the opposite end of the spectrum. Unfortunatley, I’ve always been larger framed and plus-sized. My Catch-22, was by feeling bad about my larger, curvier frame, I did not treat my body well and gained more weight. So, I’m trying to figure out how to keep my body healthy and happy without worrying so much about the numbers on the scale. Thank you for sharing, in a society that celebrates “thinness” sometimes its difficult to remember that their are equally pressing body issues on both sides of the spectrum. Hang in there!
You’re right…this is such a shared issue for so many women. I know that people can tell you until they are blue in the face that the 6 pounds you’ve gained looks fantastic and that being healthy is so very, very important… and if that means being 6 pounds heavier than so be it – but if you don’t believe it, then it won’t matter. I hope that you find a place where you feel as beautiful as people perceive you to be with the benefit of being at a healthy weight all at the same time!
Beautiful, honest post, as always Emily! If you are superficial, then so are all of us. Isn’t this what it is to be a woman today? Good for you for trying to work towards a better body image, and healthier diet. We could all use to take a page from your book 🙂
For some reason your post reminded me of a guy I work with who trained for a marathon a couple of years ago – and amazed himself with how much he HAD to eat to stay healthy while training (and trying to lose weight, bizarrely)…
I guess his point was that your body won’t let you starve. If you work out, you’re going to be hungry after – and you need to feed it.
I think what is important to remember here is to have perspective anytime you have bad thoughts about yourself. Because we are always prone to bad thoughts! Human nature, right? The perspective I keep is this: I could pick out the most beautiful girl…perfect weight, hair, blah blah blah. Inevitably, that girl has bad thoughts about herself. I run into this all the time. I see a girl that is perfect to me, and she’s complaining about her thighs, or her teeth or her abs.
The conclusion I’ve made from this is that none of us will ever be able to obtain this standard of perfection. It is an insatiable, unreachable cause. And when people try to look too perfect, they end up looking plastic, fake, too skinny and so on. What’s the point? You are right on with trying to just be healthy 🙂
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Have you ever sat and wondered how much of that weight gain was actually muscle? Just curious, because from that very small frame you describe, I don’t believe 103lbs sounds like a natural weight for any height! Here is some perspective, my 3yo weighs 38lbs and has a 23 inch waist, she eats all day fruits and veggies, has the energy of 12 monkeys and is in perfect health. Being 6-7 times her age, should you only weigh 3 times her size?
But I believe that you must have gained some muscle, because you were working, muscles starve faster, and if you are feeding them proteins and good fats they will take them away from the fat pockets you might be so horribly terrified (and we all don’t want those no matter what size we are). Remember that gaining weight for you most likely won’t be fat weight, and chances are your BMI might not even go up on some occasions because you’ll become a leaner, toner version of yourself! Keep pushing ahead, forge on!