confusion

My New Confusion (and other future album titles)

Caveat: This post was very nearly entitled How to Lose Friends and Alienate Everyone: Further Lessons in Social Suicide. Another: This post is rather long. You may want to put the kettle on. You should really know that this post is not intended to offend, and if incidences of such result, please accept my most sincere apologies. But if you’re reading this, you’re probably fully aware that I don’t hide my thoughts – and this post is simply an exploration of some new ideas, written in the hopes of hearing some of yours.

Now, studying the psychology behind human personalities, thought processes and social interactions has always been a passion of mine. Perhaps it’s the science geek in me, but I’ve always had a keen interest in examining the inner workings of something to figure out how and why it works the way it does. Throughout the process of self-investigation, I’ve learned an awful lot that’s helped me become more comfortable in my own skin – desperate desires to be something else have transformed into the aspiration to simply develop and hone who I already am, and an understanding of true introversion, personality type and priorities has helped certain social anxieties evaporate. One thing I’ve learned about being an INFJ (also known as “The Counsellor”) is the tendency to want to fix things: whether it’s a problem in the workplace, in a friend’s life, or in my own, my first instinct is to go into action plan mode and set about restoring the balance. I derive an immense satisfaction from problem-solving, which I think can be a good thing – but on the flipside, it gives way to intense feelings of discontent when a solution cannot easily be found.

Lately I’ve been faced with a bit of a problem – a problem of the soul. Not too long ago, I posted a giant essay on my spiritual belief system – on how I came to believe what I do, what I don’t, and how it shapes my world view. For the majority of my life, I never really had a solid set of beliefs – I was open to a lot of things, but growing up, no one belief system was laid down as fact (something for which I am incredibly grateful; I believe curiosity and learning one’s own lessons results in something ultimately far more meaningful than something that at the end of the day is only somebody else’s version of truth). Over the years, I’ve been exposed to Christianity in various denominations and guises — Seventh Day Adventism, Atheism, Buddhism, Taoism and simple spiritual curiosity, and subsequently have pulled pieces and ideas from here and there to shape what I can get behind, and what I can’t.  As I’d previously written, something I’d decided was that I simply wasn’t able to stick any sort of label on myself: if you do, you acknowledge that you are different from everyone who believes anything other than you, and subsequently participate in the continuation of human division. Instead of uniting and focusing on the main principles of a religion, people get caught up in the politics of what makes “my” denomination different from “yours”. And that doesn’t make any sense to me at all – surely a spirit of unity would make this a better world than a splintered race divided?

You may have noticed I’ve made an ongoing reference to the Universe in many a post, and in recent years, the idea that life events play out as signs from such to steer us toward the right path is something that’s helped me deal with a whole lot of crap. But a recent conversation has made me think of this philosophy in a whole new light: where do the people who are condemned to live awful lives fit in? Sure, we all go through major challenges in life. And I firmly believe every one of us possesses the ability to choose the attitude with which we face those hurdles. Seeing them as signs from the Universe to open my eyes to what’s really important in life is something that’s facilitated dealing with the tough stuff – it’s made me evaluate how I really feel, what I really want, what I’ll bear and what I won’t stand for, and has helped me more and more when life throws curveballs to apply the philosophy that this too, shall pass. But what about those people forced to live an existence in a war-torn country, or people born into families whose households explode with domestic violence? What about those people with terrible diseases, or who lose everything in giant natural disasters? Is the Universe asking them to “just learn from it”?  I’m almost furious with myself for allowing my outlook to become so limited. I feel I’ve done nothing more than observe patterns, hypothesise explanations, and conclude it as fact simply because it’s what suits me. I feel incredibly unsettled if so, because it means my world view extends to nothing beyond my own field of vision. And that’s incredibly small-minded, and in direct conflict with how I want to live.

When it comes to faith in something more, I’ve always harboured a slight opposition toward those who put on their Sunday best, drive past all the homeless people and go to church every Sunday while allowing the words they utter inside evaporate the moment they step outside after the service. I was talking with a friend of mine recently whose mother’s behaviour had wildly affected her view toward religion: she’d attended services daily, preaching love, forgiveness and servanthood, and would get home afterward and beat her children for not doing as they’re told. But read Proverbs 13:24Proverbs 22:15 or Proverbs 23:13-14, and apparently, that’s perfectly okay. And I don’t understand how something that permits such actions could be a good thing. As well, hypocrisy has always bothered me immensely, and I’ve never been able to stomach the idea of so-called believers whose daily actions defy the doctrine to which they are supposedly devoted. I’ve witnessed first hand people who claim to be “good Christians,” yet partake in all sorts of behaviours that fuel division, malice and hatred. I’ve never really fully understood why something that makes people feel unworthy and guilty, and holds the promise of a reward like a carrot on a stick is seen as a model for creating good people. Surely people can be good on the basis of making intelligent decisions and doing good deeds regardless? But that’s not to say there aren’t an enormous amount of truly wonderful people who live lives of integrity founded on their belief in a higher power. The Dalai Lama once said that he fully believed anyone was capable of living a good life with or without religion. I completely agree. I saw this recently, and found it rather interesting indeed.

I see so many hypocritical so-called religious people, and I see just as many non-religious folk going about the world spreading love and making a real difference. I don’t believe one has to have religion in order to be considered a good person. Like I said, if I can’t get behind something 100%, then I can’t call myself a follower of anything at all. So where does that leave me in terms of what up until this point has been my answer to life? No longer does my equation solve every problem. My eyes have been opened to the fact that it has only ever really suited the ones to which I selectively applied it. And that makes me feel nothing more than a fraud, and leaves me stranded at a crossroads of blank signs.

Where does one turn when a belief system has been proved flawed? When one size no longer fits all, yet has provided comfort in terms of being able to deal with life’s challenges? Just because something is comfortable doesn’t mean it’s real. Surely everything would be much more comfortable if we were always surrounded by a nice fluffy cushion – it doesn’t make it real life. But if the idea of the Universe providing signs to steer us each onto our respective life paths is unfounded in terms of the grand scheme of the world, then what the heck does it all mean? On one hand, if life really is entirely within our control, perhaps what’s been a prevailing force as of late is exactly what it’s all about: realising our innate power of choice and making the right decisions even when they’re difficult. That doesn’t really address the topics of causality, free will or determinism, but that’s far too complicated a topic that’s better shelved for future discussion. But on the other, if I abandon the philosophy that I genuinely believe has helped me grow into a better human being, I risk dealing with future blows in unhealthy ways. Plus it doesn’t explain at all why those fated to all sorts of terrible circumstances must live with the hands they are dealt. My belief has allowed me to quickly move forward with life following challenges: knowing that it happened for a reason has helped me accept it, and focus my energy on the here and now instead of futile questioning and endeavours at rewriting an already written past. But if there is no reason for anything and our fate really lies solely in our own hands, then how does that explain why bad things happen to good people?

I realise I’m starting to wax ever so slightly philosophical here. But I’m a geek, and I like my problems to have solutions. Being unable to come up with an answer leaves me feeling a little helpless, and I don’t think any of us deal well with a loss of control. I’m in a bit of a limbo, I think, and I’m not really sure where to go from here. Faith in the Universe, fate or destiny just because it makes things easier sometimes goes against my advocacy for intelligence and education. Yet I can’t help but channel Fox Mulder a little here, and still feel I want to believe. But what I’m not certain about is the real reason why. I’m curious though, to hear of how you arrived at your personal belief system, and why it makes sense for you. How did you come to believe what you do, and what makes your truth real?

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