My New Confusion (and other future album titles)

Caveat: This post was very nearly entitled How to Lose Friends and Alienate Everyone: Further Lessons in Social Suicide. Another: This post is rather long. You may want to put the kettle on. You should really know that this post is not intended to offend, and if incidences of such result, please accept my most sincere apologies. But if you’re reading this, you’re probably fully aware that I don’t hide my thoughts – and this post is simply an exploration of some new ideas, written in the hopes of hearing some of yours.

Now, studying the psychology behind human personalities, thought processes and social interactions has always been a passion of mine. Perhaps it’s the science geek in me, but I’ve always had a keen interest in examining the inner workings of something to figure out how and why it works the way it does. Throughout the process of self-investigation, I’ve learned an awful lot that’s helped me become more comfortable in my own skin – desperate desires to be something else have transformed into the aspiration to simply develop and hone who I already am, and an understanding of true introversion, personality type and priorities has helped certain social anxieties evaporate. One thing I’ve learned about being an INFJ (also known as “The Counsellor”) is the tendency to want to fix things: whether it’s a problem in the workplace, in a friend’s life, or in my own, my first instinct is to go into action plan mode and set about restoring the balance. I derive an immense satisfaction from problem-solving, which I think can be a good thing – but on the flipside, it gives way to intense feelings of discontent when a solution cannot easily be found.

Lately I’ve been faced with a bit of a problem – a problem of the soul. Not too long ago, I posted a giant essay on my spiritual belief system – on how I came to believe what I do, what I don’t, and how it shapes my world view. For the majority of my life, I never really had a solid set of beliefs – I was open to a lot of things, but growing up, no one belief system was laid down as fact (something for which I am incredibly grateful; I believe curiosity and learning one’s own lessons results in something ultimately far more meaningful than something that at the end of the day is only somebody else’s version of truth). Over the years, I’ve been exposed to Christianity in various denominations and guises — Seventh Day Adventism, Atheism, Buddhism, Taoism and simple spiritual curiosity, and subsequently have pulled pieces and ideas from here and there to shape what I can get behind, and what I can’t.  As I’d previously written, something I’d decided was that I simply wasn’t able to stick any sort of label on myself: if you do, you acknowledge that you are different from everyone who believes anything other than you, and subsequently participate in the continuation of human division. Instead of uniting and focusing on the main principles of a religion, people get caught up in the politics of what makes “my” denomination different from “yours”. And that doesn’t make any sense to me at all – surely a spirit of unity would make this a better world than a splintered race divided?

You may have noticed I’ve made an ongoing reference to the Universe in many a post, and in recent years, the idea that life events play out as signs from such to steer us toward the right path is something that’s helped me deal with a whole lot of crap. But a recent conversation has made me think of this philosophy in a whole new light: where do the people who are condemned to live awful lives fit in? Sure, we all go through major challenges in life. And I firmly believe every one of us possesses the ability to choose the attitude with which we face those hurdles. Seeing them as signs from the Universe to open my eyes to what’s really important in life is something that’s facilitated dealing with the tough stuff – it’s made me evaluate how I really feel, what I really want, what I’ll bear and what I won’t stand for, and has helped me more and more when life throws curveballs to apply the philosophy that this too, shall pass. But what about those people forced to live an existence in a war-torn country, or people born into families whose households explode with domestic violence? What about those people with terrible diseases, or who lose everything in giant natural disasters? Is the Universe asking them to “just learn from it”?  I’m almost furious with myself for allowing my outlook to become so limited. I feel I’ve done nothing more than observe patterns, hypothesise explanations, and conclude it as fact simply because it’s what suits me. I feel incredibly unsettled if so, because it means my world view extends to nothing beyond my own field of vision. And that’s incredibly small-minded, and in direct conflict with how I want to live.

When it comes to faith in something more, I’ve always harboured a slight opposition toward those who put on their Sunday best, drive past all the homeless people and go to church every Sunday while allowing the words they utter inside evaporate the moment they step outside after the service. I was talking with a friend of mine recently whose mother’s behaviour had wildly affected her view toward religion: she’d attended services daily, preaching love, forgiveness and servanthood, and would get home afterward and beat her children for not doing as they’re told. But read Proverbs 13:24Proverbs 22:15 or Proverbs 23:13-14, and apparently, that’s perfectly okay. And I don’t understand how something that permits such actions could be a good thing. As well, hypocrisy has always bothered me immensely, and I’ve never been able to stomach the idea of so-called believers whose daily actions defy the doctrine to which they are supposedly devoted. I’ve witnessed first hand people who claim to be “good Christians,” yet partake in all sorts of behaviours that fuel division, malice and hatred. I’ve never really fully understood why something that makes people feel unworthy and guilty, and holds the promise of a reward like a carrot on a stick is seen as a model for creating good people. Surely people can be good on the basis of making intelligent decisions and doing good deeds regardless? But that’s not to say there aren’t an enormous amount of truly wonderful people who live lives of integrity founded on their belief in a higher power. The Dalai Lama once said that he fully believed anyone was capable of living a good life with or without religion. I completely agree. I saw this recently, and found it rather interesting indeed.

I see so many hypocritical so-called religious people, and I see just as many non-religious folk going about the world spreading love and making a real difference. I don’t believe one has to have religion in order to be considered a good person. Like I said, if I can’t get behind something 100%, then I can’t call myself a follower of anything at all. So where does that leave me in terms of what up until this point has been my answer to life? No longer does my equation solve every problem. My eyes have been opened to the fact that it has only ever really suited the ones to which I selectively applied it. And that makes me feel nothing more than a fraud, and leaves me stranded at a crossroads of blank signs.

Where does one turn when a belief system has been proved flawed? When one size no longer fits all, yet has provided comfort in terms of being able to deal with life’s challenges? Just because something is comfortable doesn’t mean it’s real. Surely everything would be much more comfortable if we were always surrounded by a nice fluffy cushion – it doesn’t make it real life. But if the idea of the Universe providing signs to steer us each onto our respective life paths is unfounded in terms of the grand scheme of the world, then what the heck does it all mean? On one hand, if life really is entirely within our control, perhaps what’s been a prevailing force as of late is exactly what it’s all about: realising our innate power of choice and making the right decisions even when they’re difficult. That doesn’t really address the topics of causality, free will or determinism, but that’s far too complicated a topic that’s better shelved for future discussion. But on the other, if I abandon the philosophy that I genuinely believe has helped me grow into a better human being, I risk dealing with future blows in unhealthy ways. Plus it doesn’t explain at all why those fated to all sorts of terrible circumstances must live with the hands they are dealt. My belief has allowed me to quickly move forward with life following challenges: knowing that it happened for a reason has helped me accept it, and focus my energy on the here and now instead of futile questioning and endeavours at rewriting an already written past. But if there is no reason for anything and our fate really lies solely in our own hands, then how does that explain why bad things happen to good people?

I realise I’m starting to wax ever so slightly philosophical here. But I’m a geek, and I like my problems to have solutions. Being unable to come up with an answer leaves me feeling a little helpless, and I don’t think any of us deal well with a loss of control. I’m in a bit of a limbo, I think, and I’m not really sure where to go from here. Faith in the Universe, fate or destiny just because it makes things easier sometimes goes against my advocacy for intelligence and education. Yet I can’t help but channel Fox Mulder a little here, and still feel I want to believe. But what I’m not certain about is the real reason why. I’m curious though, to hear of how you arrived at your personal belief system, and why it makes sense for you. How did you come to believe what you do, and what makes your truth real?


  1. I grew up going to church. I thought I believed in something but I always questioned it. When I asked questions I was ignored and even shunned in some cases. My religion, as much as I despise that word, now is science. I believe in finding truth, facts and answers, but most importantly I believe in asking questions and encouraging curiosity.

    Great post, Emily!

    1. Thank you! I read a wonderful quote recently that encapsulates that very spirit: “Believe nothing. No matter where you have read it, or who said it, even if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own common sense.”

  2. Loaded post. But so many good points brought up (as always).

    Why do bad things happen? Well obviously I believe in a God. I truly think a lot of the bad things in the world come from flawed humans and their inability to incorporate God’s wisdom in their life. And well, we’re not perfect.

    As for the proverbs, I fully support them–as far as disciplining your child, not BEATING your child. That’s what those verses are really saying. There’s a difference there.

    That being said…

    I question everything. All the time. ALL THE TIME. I question the existence of God, love, the purpose of life. But because I question it, does it make it untrue? At the end of the day, I always come back to what I feel is the truth. Deep down, I believe there is a God. Intrinsically, I feel it. Maybe I am wrong…but oh my gosh is it my saving grace!!

    Em, just follow your own path, and don’t let anyone ever force beliefs on you. And know, that questioning is a good sign 🙂 It means you’re really thinking.

  3. As a Buddhist, I see that we see things a little differently.

    I’m not out to make sense of everything. I’ve come to find that I never can make sense out of everything. If I could think my way out of suffering, I would have been free a long time ago. I don’t think that thinking the right thing about a certain situation will help me overcome it. Rather, I think non-identifying with thoughts altogether, and seeing them as just thoughts, is what makes me free of them. Because the truth is, there is suffering all over the world—that’s the first noble truth. Young children die, innocents are wronged, and the world is full of pain and sorrow. But the possibility of freedom from suffering exists—the second noble truth. I believe that we can be free from suffering if we train ourselves to abstain from cravings—not desires, cravings (attachment to outcomes.) By non-identifying with form, abstaining from inhibiting concepts, the world opens up and the universe is lit from within, and everything becomes pure, unadulterated, and beautiful. You begin to see thoughts and just another passing phenomena—like all things pass. Then peace, happiness, and REAL compassion become the natural fruit of the soul. But we must practice this—for it is very difficult because of our accustomed habits of thinking—to really be free from our suffering.

    We can’t rationalize our way out of suffering. We must practice acceptance, equanimity, and insight through daily meditation—a universal, secular practice that moves us toward experiential living. Experience your life, emily jane. Don’t think yourself to death.

    1. I think that advising not to think about things is a terrible piece of advice in my books! Em you have this great ability to share your thoughts unashamedly with the entire world and it takes a lot of courage to do that, as well it’s a sign of an intellectual mind, always wanting to think things through and find answers. Even if nobody has the right one part of the fun of life is in it’s exploration. I don’t think anyone’s journey towards their ultimate beliefs is an easy one, and if it is then maybe they just don’t care that much. Your passion for learning and discovering is infectious Em and I think it’s great that you think so darn much! Best of luck and hopefully you find yourself less confused soon ^_^

      1. LOL I love that the two responses to Jon Michael’s last line were so contradictory. I don’t think I’m actually able to stop thinking and trying to find the answers… I think it’s innate, and to just accept things without questioning them and figuring them out for myself goes against who I am. I think it’s part of being a geek, lol. Lauren – you’re really sweet 🙂

  4. I guess if the answer was staring you in the face, if there was a hard and fast rule and a clearly and empirically defined path to follow, it would cease to be faith.

    I used to be a proper Christian. Once or twice weekly, confirmed, heck I even played the organ for our school chapel. But somewhere along the way I realised I was just going through the motions. That I would leave a service feeling no more enlightened or blessed than when I entered. That’s isn’t to say, by the way, that I don’t believe in God; more that I’m questioning (like you sound like doing) the worth in going through the rituals weekly. I still believe in people being good for more than just the sake of praise or the upholding of society, I still believe there’s too much wonderment in the world for it to be a coincidental collision of atoms.

    Yes, a large part of it might be borne out of laziness, and I’m not going to say I am the living example of goodness outside of a church. But until I decide one way or another, going into churches of a Sunday is just a lie.

    By the way, read some Wally’s guide to Jung. I’m no expert, but his explanation of human psychology goes beyond the sexual frustration and penis envy of Freud, and has us striving to reach spiritual archetypes. He was a Christian (I think?) but also a thorough scientist, and it’s those who parts of their lives contradict wherein I think a lot of truth can be found.

  5. wow. lots of really good questions and points. i always appreciate your writing, and your honesty.

    i’ve wrestled through a lot of these questions myself. i’ve tried the “don’t think yourself to death” approach and it just doesn’t work for me–i NEED to KNOW. i mean, not everything; obviously i will never know everything. but there are just things that i need to be assured of. i need to believe in something. i need to know what there is beyond this life.

    because that’s the one thing i’ve always been positive of: when i look at the suffering in this world and the temporary nature of everything and how fleeting the joys and sorrows are, i know that there has to be some reason beyond it.

    and i’ve researched, and i’ve talked to different people of many different religions. i’ve seen hypocrisy and i’ve been completely disillusioned by the Christian church.

    but i keep coming back to the Bible. and i’ve realized that just because people handle it poorly {like, really, really poorly}, it doesn’t negate the validity of Christianity itself. it’s the only belief system that answers every question i have–and it’s the only system that i’ve found that gives me purpose for living this life, and hope for beyond.

    i’m not one to preach at people. but i’m always up for talking. and i’m even up for people telling me why they can’t believe what i do. i like intelligent conversation about “religion” {even though i know that’s kind of loose word to describe a belief system}. i think it’s one of those things that are really important to figure out, so i wish people felt freer to hash it out, more open to being wrong, more interested in finding the right thing.

    1. Right. Was it Ghandi that said “I like your Christ, but I don’t like your Christians, they are so unlike your Christ”? People really do seem to get caught up in it all and like you said, aren’t as willing to discuss because of the potential for being “wrong”… I think that may have something to do with the lack of response to this post, lol!! I think it’s fascinating to discuss why people believe the things they do, and hear other viewpoints on this life we all share. I like discussions where nobody needs to be “right”, but are simply fuelled by curiosity. Let’s talk sometime!

      1. it IS funny how few people commented. i think religious beliefs are a huge part of who a person is–why is everyone so shy about it? i know, i know. it’s “offensive” and “awkward.”
        anyways, yes. let’s talk. i could see it being a really interesting conversation. 🙂 {in a good way} i really wanna come back to winnipeg soon, anyways.

          1. none made in stone, but my friend who lives there always wants a visit and it’s not that far! so, i’ll let you know. for SURE.

  6. Bravo Em for being so brave and real with your thoughts. Its a rarity in the world to see such sincerity and even though I don’t think many people might respond to this post because it’s such a taboo topic people don’t like to talk about (because really, nobody HAS all the answers and nobody likes to admit that publically) I think you will provoke a lot of thought here. I must admit I’ve always liked to believe that there is something higher but I’m gulty of not having explored what that is fully because I suppose deep down I know there’ll be contradictions, so I’ve always just said I’m ‘spiritual’. Like you, I want to believe, but the question of why is a very intersting one and I don’t know if I like the thought of it being to be a sort of safety blanket to make life easier and take the load off of thinking for ourselves. Inspiring and intriguing writing as always!

    1. Thank you so much! I don’t want to give the impression that anyone’s belief system is wrong. I’m just really curious to hear what makes it right, because it’s genuinely interesting to me. I hope people are open to talking about it 🙂

  7. This is a great post.

    For me, I am an Atheist. I’ve never been able to believe in any sort of religion. HOWEVER – I think it’s alright for people to have faith and to turn to religion to guide them if they do so of their own free will AND don’t become those hypocrites you spoke of.

    That said, for me, I honestly try not to think about the weird and awful things that happen in the world too much because it literally does my head in. I can’t stomach the thought of people starving, natural disasters are terrifying to me, and blood shed in wars is depressing. This doesn’t mean I don’t care. If anything, I am just thankful that I happened to be born where I am, to the parents I have, etc.

    I don’t believe our paths are laid out for us. I don’t believe that some people are dealt a different hand in life for a reason. I can’t for the life of me figure out why anything (God/fate/etc) would want to give a baby in Africa AIDS. I believe we just come to this earth through a biological process and some of us get a better shot at life based simply on those who made us.

    Every day I wake up knowing I can walk down the street safely, buy food, learn, laugh, etc. I’m happy. You don’t need to have any real belief system to feel that way, but like I said, to each their own.

  8. Such big questions! I think faith is one of the toughest things you can try and answer because there are so many possibilities out there. I’ve always been a very scientific girl and what I see is what I understand, but there are also so many unexplained things in my life, I can’t help but believe in something bigger. I don’t know, it’s a very confusing question. I’ve never spent a good amount of time really THINKING about it because I’ve never been able to make up my mind.

    I know you’ll figure it out though, if anything you’re a very introspective and thoughtful person and you’ll get there. 🙂

  9. First, I have to comment on the verses you posted. The first one can easily be taken out of context. It isn’t saying “God only blesses those who beat their children”. It’s more about disciplining them and not spoiling children because it’s easier.

    I’m very open about my faith and the struggles I have. I don’t exactly have trouble with my belief, I have problems living up to this ideal I’ve built up in my head of being perfect. The thing about Christianity is that it’s NOT comfortable. If you’re comfortable with your faith, you are doing it wrong. True belief is messy and hard and difficult. It’s a more peaceful existence but it’s not the easiest way to live. I find it much easier when I’m not living my faith to the fullest, when I’m going along with how the world believes and behaves.

    I believe because it feels natural and right. No, it doesn’t always feel comfortable and peaceful and lovely. It’s a battle you have to fight. I couldn’t imagine life without my faith.

    All that said, I think it’s up to you to find your own path. Figure out what feels right to you and never stop questioning what you believe and why you believe it.

    1. I hope you don’t think I was attacking anything. I find it interesting you said “If you’re comfortable with your faith, you are doing it wrong.” I’m going to chew on that idea for a while, because I’m not sure I agree. I think discomfort is a positive thing sometimes, because it keeps us striving for more to hopefully attain that comfort, and in that sense, discomfort keeps us growing. But I don’t know if I feel like you have to be uncomfortable with what you believe in order for it to be real. At all, really…

      1. Hm, I think I might have expressed myself wrong. I’m never uncomfortable with what I BELIEVE, because I know exactly what I believe. But I do find being too comfortable in it will cause you to stop striving for more. You get comfortable with your friends, your church, your day-to-day doings. For me, being uncomfortable means I’m always questioning, always striving to BE better in my faith. I don’t want to ever grow comfortable in it where I’ve stopped this ability to want more. I guess, growing up in the church, I’ve seen this all too often and it causes you to just go through the motions. You go to church, but you don’t really live it. It’s like a comfortable buddy to have around, rather than a living breathing part of you.

        I’m not saying it has to be all uncomfortable, all the time. Obviously, I wouldn’t be in this faith is I was uncomfortable with what I believe in. It’s more of how I use my faith that I want to be uncomfortable.

        I’m still not sure I’ve expressed myself clearly, lol. And I’ve written a novel. Whoops. 🙂

  10. 1. I’m an INFJ as well and I totally understand where you’re coming from on this one.

    2. I do believe that things happen for a reason. Yes, bad things happen to good people, and that’s not fair, but there’s got to be balance in life as well. The good and the bad. It can’t be all butterflies and unicorns and rainbows all the time or we’d never know the good when we’ve got it. Things have to suck. We have to learn horrible, awful lessons that suck the soul from us and sometimes people get sick with awful illnesses and then they amaze us with their strength and passion and peace of mind and maybe their suffering was for us to learn from, a message from the Universe letting us know that we’ve got it easy and to appreciate the things we have more. We’re all inter-connected, learning and teaching each other difficult and amazing lessons. Maybe it’s naive and against intelligence to think this way, but it works for me.

  11. I wasn’t brought up in church. I guess my beliefs come from conversations I’ve had with people, things I’ve learned and just what seems to be something I can embrace. I always tell people that I have my beliefs and I shouldn’t have to go to a building to prove those beliefs; God and I know what I feel and that’s all that matters.

  12. Growing up I didn’t profess to be of any particular faith, although I’ve always believed in God. After visiting NUMEROUS denominational churches ranging from Catholic to Mormon to Baptist to Lutheran (and many more in between), I determined that each one was missing something… some ingredient to the recipe of religion… that I needed. I wasn’t precisely sure what that ingredient was, but then I decided to visit a non-denominational church and haven’t looked back since. Even today when I think about it, I can’t necessarily put a “name” or “label” to what it was that I wasn’t getting from those other denominations, but these days I feel like I’m being spiritually fed and while my life is not always easy, and I’ve gone through (and continue to go through) struggles and trials, overall I’m a happy, church-attending, God-loving person and am thankful and blessed by my faith. 🙂

  13. The world is full of so called hypocrites. it is the rare person indeed that never contradicts what they say or “preach”. The human condition is to be flawed, we are not divine, and thus we make poor or selfish choices. The world is as it is, based in part by theses poor/selfish choices, and partly by a whole realm of chaos and infinite variables beyond our capacity to comprehend. People starve due to the complexities of the world’s chaotic weather system that brings drought, but also from poor planning, selfish choices by some in power, insufficient masses willing to donate to help, bureaucratic nightmares that govern and slow or limit action that call themselves nations, states, municipalities, etc.

    I see there is no simple answers. We can only make the best choices available to us for the situation we are in and hope for the best. How many times do you hear of the “king of fit” down the street keeling over from a heart attack in their 30’s or 40’s? “Why it was in his family history they tell me.” You just can’t predict.

    Your Gandhi quote is ideal for understanding religion. Why throw out the baby with the bath water? Religion provides many good things; just because there are those that go to church and then beat their children does not negate the good done in the name of religion.

    Two things come to my mind thinking of your comments. One goes back to my Chaplin in Catholic high school. Who taught us that “blind faith” is no faith at all, that you must evaluate what you are told and decide for yourself, if you choose to believe after, then you have true faith. So, if a proverb says that it is thing to do to beat your child, think it over first and decide if it feels right, before going home and pulling out a branch to whack them with. It is not always easy to do what is right, some things are just easier for you. Why take the time to truly discipline when you can just smack your child? Never mind that they then do what is right out of fear and will grow up with other problems!

    The other thing that comes to mind is the limiting factor of dualism that we like to farce things into, it is a very common way of thought. Things are either this or that! But really, how many things “are” this or that? Virtually everything is more of shades or a whole mix of things, not just one or the other. The woman who beats her child but works in the soup kitchen is does both good and bad, she is not limited to one or the other, she is both. This can be said of almost all things and people. Is religion good or bad? Why, it is both! Many great things have been done in the name of religion as have atrocities as well. So, do you get rid of religion as a result? The answer is no, because all things are this way. Much good has come from science and technology, but so has there been much destruction. Because of our intellect as humans, we are the only animals capable of destroying the “whole” ecosystem that is the Earth, and do it without intention, by overfishing to feed the masses, by creating greenhouse gasses to provide heat to the cold or to take that much desired vacation, the list is long of what we do that unintentionally is harmful. However much is done out of good. It is good and bad.

    So, do not wait for what the universe has in mind for you, it might be a meteor, that has been in orbit around Sol for eons that has your name on it, all because you decided to go out for a nice meal out and just happened to be in the wrong parking lot at the wrong time. At the same time, don’t keep from going out for that nice meal, you just don’t know. Also, do not give up on the positives that religion can provide and do not condemn all that believe. Instead, accept that we are all flawed, all make mistakes, and there is just too much out of our control, but there are windows where we do have control and can do good for ourselves and others.

  14. Growing up my father insisted that my 2 brothers and I be raised as Muslims, but, he never really tried… It was just a fantastical ideal that he never followed through with. My question, which i formed at a young age of about 6 or 7, when all the other kids were making christmas decoations and preparing for the normal school play of The Birth of Christ, was and still is, if my own father didn’t truly believe in a religion enough to raise his children so, what makes any other religion justified or believable??

    This is a question I still stick by now, and although this may offend some people, which i genuinely do not want to do, but since we’re talking about our own personal belief system i feel it right to voice. Most of the wars and heinous things in the history of man have been done in the name of Religion. I once heard a quote which I feel is pretty difinitive for me “without religion you get good people doing good things and evil people do evil things, add religion and you find good people do evil things”

    In my life I’ve had some pretty rough times, and I found myself asking “why is this happening to me??” but when my life turned round, I realised I didn’t ask that question, which made me realise why did I ask it in the first place… So, Why is this happening to me?? Simple, it just IS… no belief will change what IS or ISN’T, for what MIGHT and MIGHT NOT BE, I’m not one to waste my life asking the question is there a god, If so should I believe? If there is, then I will find out whenever he/she feels like dealing my cards, I’ll be ready to say I lived as a good person doing good things.

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